I’ve had it with skateboard punk yolo teens. Sure, they seem pretty harmless and adorable, but they are a menace. Up and down my neighborhood and in the park, they “street-ride” their “street-boards” and do moves called “street kick-lifts” or “180 degree street-spins.” I’ve had enough. They have finally caused me to take action — and that action is documenting some of the altercations I have had with these hooligans.
while eating alone in public, i made eye contact w/ a group of skateboard punk teens. the leader poured my bowl of Spaghetti-Os on my crotch—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) May 21, 2013
I’ll never forget this day. This was one of my first interactions with these rapscallions. I would not have been as upset if it weren’t for the Spaghetti-O spillage. UNCALLED FOR.
some skateboard punk teens were "freestyle rap battle-singing" at PF Changs. i joined in & they threw food @ the crotch of my best dungarees—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) June 28, 2013
Again with the crotch. Why do they always aim for my precious crotch? Also, I gave them the benefit of the doubt because they were freestyle rap battle singing and they were outside of my favorite restaurant, PF Chang’s. As far as my rap-singing skills? I assure you they are, and were, top-notch. Perhaps these skateboard punk yolo teens were intimated by my “flow.” And then this happened:
i was in the park, enjoying a sponge-bath in the fountain, when skateboard punk yolo teens yelled 'Ratchet!' i yelled back 'Hammer!' in jest—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) September 01, 2013
i was doing squat thrusts on my lawn when skateboard punk teens trampled my spice garden. i got into ready stance & they called me "Ratchet"—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) July 12, 2013
Hurt me, but don’t mess with my spice garden. These were the first times I was called “Ratchet,” but they certainly were not the last. To this day, I still do not know what the word means.
i was doing my stretches in the park when skateboard punk teens said i had 2 much "junk in my trunk." double-checked my Miata. nothing. WTH?—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) June 20, 2013
They were not confrontational, but this was just bizarre. Junk in my trunk? I don’t get it. I’ll admit, at first I was confused as to what kind of b-holes would torment me like this, but I let it go. I got over it. At times, I even tried to relate to them:
i was watching skateboard punk teens do reverse foot-flips at the mall, but when i called them "insane in the membrane" they spit in my face—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) May 07, 2013
Things heated up a bit after this incident. People aren’t supposed to spit in another person’s face. I was trying to actually be supportive, but that proved futile. Then these instances happened, often when I began going to the park for my various activities:
i was feeding bread to the pigeons at the park when a group of skateboard punk teens pinned me & tickled me until i urinated in my slacks :(—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) June 27, 2013
i was in the park, using my ThighMaster, when skateboard punk yolo teens began making drum sounds w/their mouths & rap-singing.i fear-pooped—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) August 22, 2013
i was in the park, relaxing w/my portable foot-bath when skateboard punk yolo teens pinned me & pinched my nipples mercilessly.i played dead—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) August 02, 2013
i was massaging my bunions, shirtless in the park, when skateboard punk yolo teens kept staring at me.some had their baseball caps backwards—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) August 02, 2013
I was meditating in the park when skateboard punk yolo teens did flip-jumps & spin moves by my yoga mat."Buzz off," I said & they stabbed me—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) July 24, 2013
See what I mean? At times they seemed to be rather harmless, but other times seemed to have a blood-lust for me. Or a urine-lust. On a couple occasions, I tried to match them through the art of #swag:
I was so proud of myself for standing my ground and, through the timeless art of swag, back them off. These moments were few and far between. I was pretty sure they were on pot most of the time:
i was sketching a condor in the park when skateboard punk yolo teens held me down & blew marijuana toke-wind in my face.i think i'm stonered—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) August 05, 2013
Most of the time, these skateboard punk teens were JUST PLAIN MEAN. They seemed to have no problem taking my possessions or ruining them time and time again:
i was doing splits in the park when skateboard punk yolo teens threw pine-cones at my genitals.i climbed a tree & they took my dream journal—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) July 29, 2013
i was playing saxophone in the park when skateboard punk yolo teens pushed me in a pond.i tried to hide my tears,but my saxophone was ruined—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) July 26, 2013
I was about to send my first "sexual text," when skateboard punk teens took my flip-phone & threw it in a fountain along w/my journal. FML—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) July 01, 2013
I hated being a “snitch” or “bitch ass” as many of them called me, but I had to inform the police at some point:
i was playing badminton in the park & skateboard punk yolo teens stole my shuttlecock. i told the cops but they said to put my jeans back on—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) July 18, 2013
And then I was able to get away with a few small victories or, at the very least, outsmart the ruffians:
i was sipping a latte & window shopping when skateboard punk teens took my wallet & "boarded" away.jokes on them,i keep cash in my fannypack—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) July 03, 2013
i was enjoying fudge when a group of skateboard punk teens grabbed my fanny pack. jokes on them — it was empty. it's where i kept my fudge—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) June 07, 2013
I was doing my yoga poses in the park when these skateboard punk teens stole my cape and my Walkman. Jokes on them, they took the decoys!—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) June 24, 2013
The joke WAS on them. The joke was all over them. The joke was practically IN them. In retrospect, this may have angered the bitter punks to the point of no return.
I was in the park,expressing myself thru the art of dance,when skateboard punk yolo teens made fun of my thighs.No amount of twerking helped—
Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) July 27, 2013
I can’t explain this one. I think I may have ingested one too many meditation peyote buttons and had a fever dream.
In fairness, these skateboard punk yolo teens have made me a local celebrity, especially at the park. No lie, I’ve been able to pick up a few chicks because of their antics. Numerous slacks have been ruined. My genitals have been badly bruised. I have cried enough tears to fill the fountain at the park one-third of the way. And yet, reminiscing about these skateboard punk yolo teens has somehow endeared them to me.
I think I’ll grab my harmonica and head on over to the park. Fingers crossed!