false modesty

N. The act of pretending to have a low opinion of oneself and one’s abilities or achievements in order to appear humble, whilst still boasting.

Do you know what’s more annoying than self-centered egomaniacs talking about how great they are? The same douche bag pretending that he doesn’t think he’s great. And I am that douche bag. See, when you can’t just boldly brag about yourself or something that you did, you need to find a way to make sure others know how cool and successful you are without seeming like you are showing off.

My advice? Pretend like your accomplishments are not a big deal (which they totally are). Only highly intelligent people will be able to tell what you are doing, but let’s get serious: Highly intelligent people probably don’t hang around you. My guess is that they are intimated by you and your successes. You don’t need these brainiacs around anyway, dragging you down to their level.

The best method for displaying false modesty is to cleverly bring up an achievement, then later belittle it. Not only will you look incredibly awesome for the part you were bragging about, but you will look even more successful for appearing like said achievement is not a big deal (which it totally is).

EXAMPLE SCENARIO

YOU: That hot chick over there just handed me her phone number, and I didn’t even ask.

YOUR LOSER FRIEND: That is totally fucking cool! It’s no wonder I want to hang around you all of the time.

YOU: No big deal. I mean, I don’t even think I’m that attractive. Maybe it’s my new cologne. It costs $250 a bottle.

Y.L.F.: I could never afford such expensive cologne. Man, you are successful.

YOU: Naaaaa. I’m just a regular guy. It’s just me being me, ya know?

Y.L.F.: Wow. You are also very humble.

And that’s how it usually goes, at least in my circles. The only thing to be careful about is appearing too humble. Then some of your jealous friends may think that they can accomplish what you have accomplished. This is a ridiculous notion, of course. If given the opportunity, urinate on this person in his/her sleep, to show your dominance. If possible, record this act and threaten to put it on YouTube unless your friend “tones it down.” This works nearly every time.

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