I am planning a self-help seminar thoughtfully entitled “Sky Rocket: Propelling the New You to New Heights.” I’ll be releasing tour dates as soon as a few minor details have been ironed out. Mainly, who will fund this project and where the seminars will be located.
In the meantime, here are a few tidbits, or, as I like to call them, “Important Life Lesson Bits” that you can expect to learn at my seminar, as well as some assorted wisdom that will help you to “skyrocket” to the you that you have always been trying to be. Confusing? So was “The Da Vinci Code,” and everybody hopped on that bandwagon’s dick faster than you can say “Short chapters make me feel smarter.” So shut up, sit back, and enjoy the ride — the ride to Inner Peace Town and Personal Freedomville.
First stop: Baltimore. Just kidding, that would be awful.
SKYROCKET SEMINAR EXAMPLE TIP #1: You are as good as you’ll ever be.
This may sound confusing, but it isn’t. You are just dumber than you think. What I mean by “You are as good as you’ll ever be” is that you shouldn’t stress yourself out over whether or not you can achieve more than you currently are. Trust me, you can’t. If you could, you wouldn’t be interested in this seminar. You need me to show you how to use your limited talents to your advantage. Yeah, it’s tough love, but love that isn’t tough is soft. And soft love is for pussies.
SKYROCKET SEMINAR EXAMPLE TIP #2: Never listen to your first instinct.
Look where trusting yourself has gotten you. Mediocrity – Population: YOU. You are reading example tips from a seminar that is not even a thing yet. You need help. My help. And fast. Trust, instead, MY instincts. They are honed after years of experience dealing with this kind of shit. I’ll bet you’re thinking that it is unprofessional to curse in an advertisement for my seminar. There you go again, listening to your inner voice. STOP THAT. Listen to my inner voice, which is saying “Quiet down, peasant. An intelligent person’s inner voice is speaking right now.”
SKYROCKET SEMINAR EXAMPLE TIP #3: Do unto others as they do to you.
This may be counterintuitive, but it is an important secret to my success. If you do unto others as you would “have them” do unto you, you are merely setting yourself up to be stepped on, like a doormat. Instead, I will teach you how to cover new ground, like a doormat. In a fantasy world, I would “have others” give me money upon meeting them, but does that mean I should give them my money when I meet them? Fuck no. That would be a ridiculous and expensive mantra. Instead, if someone hurts your feelings, you should get revenge. People can’t go around treating you any old way they want. My seminar will show you exactly how to stand up for yourself…even when you are sitting down. Where else can you learn that?
Please don’t answer that.
Feel free to contact me if you are interested in my seminar, especially if you are interested in financing it. Remember: You can do anything I put your mind to. You need me. You need my help. And I can give you my help…for a small fee. With your new found sense of self, you will be able to achieve things you never thought possible. Or maybe you did think it was possible, but were too lazy and stupid to take the first step. I can help you take that first step.
SKYROCKET: Propelling the New You to New Heights! — A Dan K. Charnley Seminar